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Memories are offically overrated...
Jun. 1st, 2004 02:09 amFirst off...
Truman Capote can bite my huge white American 21st Century ass. o.x
Character anyalsis are kinda hard when you DON'T NAME THE FUGGING CHARACTER.
But yeah, that's just my short version rant.
Longer version update...
Well, Beth and Forest went home a day early. Though I was dissapointed I wasn't about to complain since it was obvious that Beth had to talk to her brother ASAP about the way she was being treated.
I've been working on my papers on and off today, but for the most part I've been pretty mopey again as of late.
I think its more exaustion-mopeness though. About three days ago the memories of the night that Mom became ill that were shoved to the back of my mind decided now would be a nice time to crop up and basically fuck any progress I'd made in healing.
The memories have quickly turned to nightmares, and there are times I can so clearly hear her voice screaming at the parimedics, screaming at me...screaming for them to stop, for me to help...that it wakes me up out of a dead sleep. I'll stare around my room, remind myself over and over that its been two months since that day and its not happening again...but I'm lucky if I fall back asleep within the next few hours.
Everyone tells me I should remember the good times, and for the most part I do, but I guess I don't have the same mental strenght as everyone else. I can only supress for so long, and after that I have no control over what comes up when.
Even today it happened. Watching Stargate with Casey, a part where Daniel was pretty much losing his mind, he was on a hospital bed and he started flialing around screaming "YOU'RE KILLING ME! STOP HURTING ME!"
Mom had screamed those same things..
I couldn't watch it anymore. I changed the channel until Casey said he'd stopped...and I kicked myself for letting a stupid fiction television show get under my skin like that.
I get pangs of jealousy, an emotion not often felt by me, whenever I hear people talk about thier parents, and a part of me wonders why I would be singled out to lose half the family that I claim, half the family that wasn't as horribly dysfuctional as the Mansons.
So when does the healing really begin? When do my nightmares stop and the tears cease to flow?
I feel trapped by my pain, crying every night like this, screaming and yelling and crying to the heavens "Why me? Why her? Why any of it?"
*sighs* Maybe I need a fucking therapist..
Truman Capote can bite my huge white American 21st Century ass. o.x
Character anyalsis are kinda hard when you DON'T NAME THE FUGGING CHARACTER.
But yeah, that's just my short version rant.
Longer version update...
Well, Beth and Forest went home a day early. Though I was dissapointed I wasn't about to complain since it was obvious that Beth had to talk to her brother ASAP about the way she was being treated.
I've been working on my papers on and off today, but for the most part I've been pretty mopey again as of late.
I think its more exaustion-mopeness though. About three days ago the memories of the night that Mom became ill that were shoved to the back of my mind decided now would be a nice time to crop up and basically fuck any progress I'd made in healing.
The memories have quickly turned to nightmares, and there are times I can so clearly hear her voice screaming at the parimedics, screaming at me...screaming for them to stop, for me to help...that it wakes me up out of a dead sleep. I'll stare around my room, remind myself over and over that its been two months since that day and its not happening again...but I'm lucky if I fall back asleep within the next few hours.
Everyone tells me I should remember the good times, and for the most part I do, but I guess I don't have the same mental strenght as everyone else. I can only supress for so long, and after that I have no control over what comes up when.
Even today it happened. Watching Stargate with Casey, a part where Daniel was pretty much losing his mind, he was on a hospital bed and he started flialing around screaming "YOU'RE KILLING ME! STOP HURTING ME!"
Mom had screamed those same things..
I couldn't watch it anymore. I changed the channel until Casey said he'd stopped...and I kicked myself for letting a stupid fiction television show get under my skin like that.
I get pangs of jealousy, an emotion not often felt by me, whenever I hear people talk about thier parents, and a part of me wonders why I would be singled out to lose half the family that I claim, half the family that wasn't as horribly dysfuctional as the Mansons.
So when does the healing really begin? When do my nightmares stop and the tears cease to flow?
I feel trapped by my pain, crying every night like this, screaming and yelling and crying to the heavens "Why me? Why her? Why any of it?"
*sighs* Maybe I need a fucking therapist..
