Memories are offically overrated...

[jenioctavia]

First off...
Truman Capote can bite my huge white American 21st Century ass. o.x
Character anyalsis are kinda hard when you DON'T NAME THE FUGGING CHARACTER.
But yeah, that's just my short version rant.

Longer version update...

Well, Beth and Forest went home a day early. Though I was dissapointed I wasn't about to complain since it was obvious that Beth had to talk to her brother ASAP about the way she was being treated.
I've been working on my papers on and off today, but for the most part I've been pretty mopey again as of late.
I think its more exaustion-mopeness though. About three days ago the memories of the night that Mom became ill that were shoved to the back of my mind decided now would be a nice time to crop up and basically fuck any progress I'd made in healing.
The memories have quickly turned to nightmares, and there are times I can so clearly hear her voice screaming at the parimedics, screaming at me...screaming for them to stop, for me to help...that it wakes me up out of a dead sleep. I'll stare around my room, remind myself over and over that its been two months since that day and its not happening again...but I'm lucky if I fall back asleep within the next few hours.
Everyone tells me I should remember the good times, and for the most part I do, but I guess I don't have the same mental strenght as everyone else. I can only supress for so long, and after that I have no control over what comes up when.
Even today it happened. Watching Stargate with Casey, a part where Daniel was pretty much losing his mind, he was on a hospital bed and he started flialing around screaming "YOU'RE KILLING ME! STOP HURTING ME!"
Mom had screamed those same things..
I couldn't watch it anymore. I changed the channel until Casey said he'd stopped...and I kicked myself for letting a stupid fiction television show get under my skin like that.
I get pangs of jealousy, an emotion not often felt by me, whenever I hear people talk about thier parents, and a part of me wonders why I would be singled out to lose half the family that I claim, half the family that wasn't as horribly dysfuctional as the Mansons.
So when does the healing really begin? When do my nightmares stop and the tears cease to flow?
I feel trapped by my pain, crying every night like this, screaming and yelling and crying to the heavens "Why me? Why her? Why any of it?"
*sighs* Maybe I need a fucking therapist..

Comments

[calisasilvertai.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

[serena-snape.livejournal.com]

Jeni, it's been two months. Some people can ignore it, some people can repress it and forget it, but you're not some people. You know, it took me a couple years before i was 'comfortable' with my aunt's death. i know an aunt doesn't sound like much, but when i was that age, she was like a mother to me. the closest thing i had to a real mother.
you're not expected to bounce back. And anyone who expects it from you needs to be shot. we weren't there. we didn't have to hear the hell that you heard. i didn't know she had been screaming that, and i dont think i could've handled it. i would've lost it right there, and i dont think there would've been any coming back. if it was a quiet, peaceful thing, it would'nt have been so bad. but you endured hell. that's beyond hell. Like I said. I couldn't have dealt with it.
My advice? I don't have any. You know i blow when it comes to giving advice, that it's never feasible, never really possible, just something to try and cheer you up. so i suppose i shouldn't let you down...
My advice to you, is to fly to Japan, get a "Cool Thing" and eat sushi until you pop. Then burn off all the energy from the rice, playing dance dance revolution...Next buy a Fluffy white flying pony, and fly your Manga loving arse down here and we'll drive around listening to scooter and Evanescence.
Oh, and have some chocolate, too.

[jenioctavia.livejournal.com]

If I could go to Japan, I would. But I think a better plan is to save my money for Gatecon 2004, get my ass down to Burbank in July, meet the cast from Stargate, act like a bloody insane fan girl, blow a ton of money and random paraphenalia that I don't need, and stop in Klamath on the way back so we can hang out. ^^;

[serena-snape.livejournal.com]

yes! perfect way to lighten the mood! GO drool over Michael Shanks and get a random, Giddy fan girl picture with him and Chris, Only grab their arses for a great "wtf?!?!" look from them in the picture

[jenioctavia.livejournal.com]

I am not grabbing thier asses. ...as much as I want to. <.<;

[kouhii.livejournal.com]

Jeni.. *hugs* For once, I can actually say I know how it feels. And if you want to talk about it, I'm here. <33

And if you need a therapist, try art therapists. When my mom died, Hospice set up for an art therapist to come to our school for the first year after my mom died.

..it was easier then with words, atleast.

[jenioctavia.livejournal.com]

I may actually do that. Maybe my college can set something up, or help me set something up. Thanks Mooky. <3

toolazytosignin=mooky

[(Anonymous)]

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