(no subject)

I'm not quite sure which is worse at this point:
Having Mike bitch at me to the point where I'm in tears about everything that I've done wrong this week, or...
Knowing that he's 100% right.

I won't go in to the conversation. I'd rather not start crying agian. Lets just say that I'm getting a little tired of this thing I call a 'relationship' with my brother. I love him, I really do, and he's probably one of the few male figures in my life that I can truly look up to. But goddamn it if he was just IOTA more sensitive then maybe, just MAYBE he'd have a clue as to what I'm going through. He wasn't there the first time, he wasn't there when she got sick this time. He had his own life and he still does. I've lost so much of my life because I've wanted to stay with Mom and try to help her. He only comes in when he's called. And yea I can understand his irked behavior towards the favors I've called in later, but give me a break. I don't need to have it rubbed in that I'm a fuck up! I know that I've made alot of mistakes and I'm TRYING to fix them.

Goddess...I'm just about ready to throw my hands in the air and tell him to just forget it. To leave me alone and let me deal with this myself. If I was certain that I could make it on my own right now, I would. I really would. But unfortunately he's the only other one with access to the bank account, and the only one I can turn to when I run out...

*sighs* I know I won't sleep tonight. I'm still riled as hell...and even if do sleep I know it won't be well...

...now what

Its absolutely fucking amazing how quickly things can go from bad to worse, and worse to all out fucking hell.
I went and talked to Smith and she basically told me, not in so many words, that I should really not be in her class. Because life hasn't kicked me in the face enough times. Because I don't have enough to deal with as it is. I have now been dropped down to 3 credits, my FA will proabably be denyed, and everything has just fucked up beyond an comprehensable repair.

I'm in the job office at school right now, hoping with what little strength I have left that something out there will actually pull through and I may just be able to get work before I fall in to the darkest pits of eternity.

I want to cry, I want to scream, but most of all I just want to give up. But I can't. I'd be letting so many people down if I did...

*dry laugh* Its funny...I went to see a counseler here to try to get some advice on what to do and I just basically broke down. I couldn't take it anymore and I was full on water works right there in her office. And as I told her everything she gave me this look like she thought, despite my tears, that I was the strongest person in the world.

I get that alot...

Yet I don't see it. I'm so close to the edge how can I have any strength left? I've gotten to the point where I cry every night now, completely lost and unsure as to what I should be doing or how I should be doing it. I walk through every day like a zombie almost...

She was the one I turned to. Mom was the one I'd approach when I needed advice and help. When things went wrong up here, she was the one I'd go to for hugs and the understanding that some one loved me. But just like before, just like when I was 15, I've been hit with the reality that in the blink of an eye she was gone...

The hospital just called. She's not doing much better. She doesn't seem to be responding completely to her treatment. So now what? Do I just throw in the towel and move in with Carol? Do I keep going like nothing's wrong?

Gods..here comes the tears again...

I just wanna go home...