...now what

[jenioctavia]

Its absolutely fucking amazing how quickly things can go from bad to worse, and worse to all out fucking hell.
I went and talked to Smith and she basically told me, not in so many words, that I should really not be in her class. Because life hasn't kicked me in the face enough times. Because I don't have enough to deal with as it is. I have now been dropped down to 3 credits, my FA will proabably be denyed, and everything has just fucked up beyond an comprehensable repair.

I'm in the job office at school right now, hoping with what little strength I have left that something out there will actually pull through and I may just be able to get work before I fall in to the darkest pits of eternity.

I want to cry, I want to scream, but most of all I just want to give up. But I can't. I'd be letting so many people down if I did...

*dry laugh* Its funny...I went to see a counseler here to try to get some advice on what to do and I just basically broke down. I couldn't take it anymore and I was full on water works right there in her office. And as I told her everything she gave me this look like she thought, despite my tears, that I was the strongest person in the world.

I get that alot...

Yet I don't see it. I'm so close to the edge how can I have any strength left? I've gotten to the point where I cry every night now, completely lost and unsure as to what I should be doing or how I should be doing it. I walk through every day like a zombie almost...

She was the one I turned to. Mom was the one I'd approach when I needed advice and help. When things went wrong up here, she was the one I'd go to for hugs and the understanding that some one loved me. But just like before, just like when I was 15, I've been hit with the reality that in the blink of an eye she was gone...

The hospital just called. She's not doing much better. She doesn't seem to be responding completely to her treatment. So now what? Do I just throw in the towel and move in with Carol? Do I keep going like nothing's wrong?

Gods..here comes the tears again...

I just wanna go home...

Comments

Don't give up...

[demorath.livejournal.com]

*hugs tight* Jen... don't listen to those profs. Some profs can be quite egotistical and because you don't meet THEIR standards or because they judge you from what you say once...doesn't mean you can't do it. And you can't get discouraged and i KNOW it's hard not to be. I was talking to my aunt when she told me that the aspirations got shot down in high school when her teacher didn't like her and stuff like that. You can't be swayed by that sort of thing...some profs are just full of themselves and think they know everything... Just keep at it and I know you can do it...