Can I be the same...?

Yeah, here I am again. Ranting about all this shit that I can do nothing about.

Everyone else has thier own problems right now. Everyone's depressed or upset, but right now...I feel like I'm the only one who's simply lost thier soul...

Maybe that's a little harsh, but for the time being its the only words I can use to really, truly describe how I feel. My emotions are so muddled up and mixed up yet at the same time, its like they're not there at all. Like they've simply shattered thousands of times only to reform and shatter agian.

If I'm this bad now, how am I going to be if...if she dies? As it stands, I can already see how I've changed within this short ammount of time. Its like standing outside myself, watching my face contort in to this horrible ruse of cynicism and anger. I'm lashing out at everyone, and though I try to act like I'm just joking about it, there's a part of me that knows I'm deadly serious. And I hate it. I can't stop myself. My mind reels with the possibilities, the outcomes, the negativity, seeing nothing but pain and hate and me screaming in hysterical tears at a rain soaked funeral as the rest of my life becomes nothing but a memory of heartbreak.

I'm pushing myself further away from those who care about me in different ways. Being cynical and snappish to most, prone to outbursts of bitchy shouts. To Casey, I hide most of my feelings away and become his grinning little plaything, RPing at random and placating myself with MSTing episodes of Stargate by staying in a diluded fantasy world that only allows him and myself in. To Matt, I'm a fading apperition, some one who keeps pushing him away because I can't deal with his problems AND mine. I hide in my house at the comptuer, pretending I don't exist, talking only when talked to by others, and staring blankly at this computer screen with a ciggerte in one hand and the remote in the other...wondering constantly 'when is it going to be over?'

I would give anything, turn back time and endure all of it all over again, go back to Klamath...fuck I dunno. ANYTHING. ANYFUCKINGTHING to have this over with, to have her back...

I don't know what else to say anymore...my mind is so full but my heart is so empty...

Oh...yeah...guess I should actually update...

Mike was at the hospital agian today. She was more awake then she has been, but her breathing has become labored agian. The doctors are trying, but Mike still wants to hold some one acountable so he's asking for my Livejournal posts that document what happened to her with the surgeries and what not. *sighs* I'm with him, its just...I dunno. Doesn't seem worth it to me.

Okay, I really can't concentrate, I'm gonna go clean the kitchen or...something...

... ;.;

This room is barely lit, the sun is sinking behind a thicket of heavy rain soaked clouds, and all I can hear is this random 'beep beep beep', the suction of various machines, people talking, and Mom struggling to breathe normally. And of course there's the tiptiptip noises of me typing on Mike's laptop.

We're in the final stretch, and everything's took a plummet down hill. They're at the point where the doctors really can't do any more save for attempting desperately to make her comfortable. Mike and I have already started talking about funeral arrangements, and all I can use to describe how I feel is...

numb

completely.

absoulutely.

unexplicibly numb.

Now Mike's the emotional one and I'm just left staring in to space wondering...why. Why any of this? Why the pain, the suffering...why the fuck did some screwed up in the head deity decide that THIS was the way to make me stronger? Its not. Its breaking me inside and I can't even find the basic human emotions to express it.

What more can I say...

nothing...

cause that's all I have left..