(no subject)

[jenioctavia]

5/14/04 1:25pm 76 Trimet to Beaverton TC
Music: Walking On Broken Glass - Acapella

Dear Matt,

I've had alot of time to think about recent events. And I mean alot. Its one of the reasons I'm on a bus that isn't even going to get me close to Oregon City. I'm going down to Tigard Portland to take some me time at Powell's Books Barnes and Nobel Washington Square Mall.
But yeah, I've had alot of time to think. About you, about me, things you've done, said, things I've done, said. Over AIM, over Furc, in LJ. Everything.
And, as they come to me, I'm going to write down how I feel about this situation.
First off...you're right. I'm not innocent. But for you to state that I have made such claims is quiet pretentious of you. I have never once claimed to be innocent in any of these situations. I know I've hurt you. Give me SOME credit, Matt. I'm not a fucking idiot. I'm not unaware of my actions towards you. I am very much aware that what I did last night hurt you. There are things you need to realize though.
The way people attacking me gets you riled and upset is the same way I feel when you do that to my friends. I understand that you don't care, or even hate most of them, for one reason or another. Your defense is that they've hurt you. And I'm not calling you a liar by any means. But for the most part I have yet to see this. The exceptions to this are Lani and Gui. Both aren't on wonderful terms with me anyway. However, I, unlike you, are not judgemental or others. I give everyone an equal chance to prove loyalty and kindness, and effection as a friend. Its one of the I don't listen to rumors or slander, and if one of my friends happens to be the enemy of another, well, I don't give a flying fuck. They are still -my- friends, and until they hurt me by some means to a point that I just can't forgive them, I will stay by them. It is my choice given to me by my ability to utilize my free will to the fullest extent. That includes not taking sides in a situation unless I see some one needlessly attacked. You didn't need to call Lettie a fucker last night. She asked a simple question, and it was uncalled for.
But..I do appologize. I didn't see the whole conversation, and I did fly off the handle at something I knew nothing about.
Bus is at the TC. Back soon.

2:25 pm. Washington Square Food Summit.
Music: Ace of Base - Whispers in Blindness

Well, I'm eating lunch now. Panda Express. Good food really.
Anyway.
I went to Build-A-Bear. I've wanted to go to one for a while now. And in some messed up way I managed a pathetic attempt to convince myself I didn't hate you right now.
It worked.
As I was chosing my bear, I saw a white one with blue eyes and a blue nose. It made me think of you. And when the girl asked me what I was going to name it, the first word out of my mouth was "Matthias"
I realized then that I couldn't hate you, no matter what happened. Maybe that's the difference between you and I. It takes alot for me to actually 'hate' some one. And you know, that's okay. You live your life your way, I'll live mine my way.
I don't want to give up on us. We are family, and you're all I've really got left of that now. Well, you and Mike.
But that's still not a whole helluvalot. And something we both have to accept is that siblings fight and bicker over stupid things.
That doesn't mean I'm over being upset with you. I am, but in a less "I don't ever want to speak to you again" way.
I do ask that you don't continue to draw me in to your disliking of my friends. I have and will continue to defend you in situations where I do see the attacks aganst you. However, this does not mean that I will side with you 100% of the time, nor will I abandon them or you.
I'm done eating. More later.

3:57 pm 12 Trimet to Portland
Music: Britney Spears - Cinderella

I really don't have much else to say. I mean, sure, there's plenty in there. It would take me years to write down every single feeling I have on all this. This letter, all of these things I've taken the time to painstakenly write down on paper durring my time away from the house, on the bus and in the mall, are just my immedeate thoughts.
In a way its an appology, and in a way its a prayer.
I've been sending my thoughts, my anger, hurt, and tears to Goddess in the hopes that you will read between the lines and realize what I am having to do in order to write down these words.
I am in no way attacking you. I am expressing myself and my meeds and wants. Every relationship has them, ours is no exception.
And I'm sure you have your own wants and needs from this. I'm not telling you not to express them. By all means, do.
But realize that I may not be able to fullfil them, just as you may not be able to fullfil mine.
I do love you Matt. Even in our worst moments, I've never stopped. And I have no wish to see this end.

4:10pm S.M.A.R.T. bus to Wilsonville.
Music: Chrono Cross - Reminice of Feelings Not Erased

I'm on my way home now. Well...getting closer anyway.
My feet are killing me, I'm exausted, but...I had a good day. And, whever I get around to typing this up I'll probably look back and ask myself what the hell I was thinking when I decided a jaunt to the mall of all places would calm my nerves. That's the vally girl instilled in me by my stepmom that will never die I suppose.
It did give me a chance to to think, though, and everything that's in here is truly streight from the heart.
I'm hoping now you find it your heart to not let this relationship end.
I love you, Matt. I really do.

Love always and forever,
For a million lifetimes and more,
Your sister
Your heartbond
Your friend

~Jeni~