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jenioctaviaGive anything to silence..
Those voices ringing in your head...
I've figured out that I've been abanonded, though I know it wasn't by his choice. I haven't seen Garrett in weeks, and even if he does come back...there's nothing left. Relationships aren't one sided. As bad as I feel about that, some things just can't be helped.
Yet it seemed it didn't take long for another person to fall for me. And I'm just not sure how to react to it. I feel...something, but with everything that's happened lately I don't even want to let myself dwell on what it might be. He's a nice guy, and I'm so terrible at even trying to let people down easy...
And I know its bad to try to force myself to share those feelings, but my heart is so fucked up right now I wouldn't even be 100% sure if I was forcing them at all.
I know my heart has become jaded towards such things as love, but at the same time I still seem to have this inate ability to fall for the person who doesn't want me like that while some around me are declaring feelings for me that I don't share. And yeah, as lonley as I get, it would be nice to have some one...but can I handle another long distance relationship? Fuck if I know. I can't even handle a real life relationship.
I don't know how long I was outside, but I just kind of wandered down the driveway and around the yard earlier thinking about all this...questioning so many things...
The biggest thing I wondered was whether or not I was even meant to love, atleast at this time. I go around helping others, giving my advice where I can, playing the kind guardian angel to those who need it. In the past few months, other then the few relapses I've had, I've done pretty well with my own depression and I've tried so so so so SO very hard to pass what I've learned on to others. And because of it there's this part of me that believes...or atleast wants to believe...that this is my pourpose, atleast for the time being. Its helping me on my quest of forgiveness and what not, all those things I need to release to delve in to my practice as much as I wish to.
So...okay...looking back on that part now I realize what it is. (Wow, another self revelation while writing my posts. I gotta do this more often. Har. >.>)
I'm worried. That's what it is. I'm worried that even LETTING my heart feel love is going to lead, once again, to the path that I've faced so many times. Betryal, heart ache, what not. I'm worried....no, afraid that if that happens again I'll never be able to grow to the person I want to be. Its hard enough as it is, battling with these things day in and day out, taking the little victories where they come...throw something else in to the mix and I'm figuratively fucked.
But all that self revelation doesn't do shit for what I'm supposed to do now...
Oi...I dunno...that post made no fucking sense...
I'm done. I'm gonna go stuff my face with a midnight snack and go back to writing...Sigh. ._.
Those voices ringing in your head...
I've figured out that I've been abanonded, though I know it wasn't by his choice. I haven't seen Garrett in weeks, and even if he does come back...there's nothing left. Relationships aren't one sided. As bad as I feel about that, some things just can't be helped.
Yet it seemed it didn't take long for another person to fall for me. And I'm just not sure how to react to it. I feel...something, but with everything that's happened lately I don't even want to let myself dwell on what it might be. He's a nice guy, and I'm so terrible at even trying to let people down easy...
And I know its bad to try to force myself to share those feelings, but my heart is so fucked up right now I wouldn't even be 100% sure if I was forcing them at all.
I know my heart has become jaded towards such things as love, but at the same time I still seem to have this inate ability to fall for the person who doesn't want me like that while some around me are declaring feelings for me that I don't share. And yeah, as lonley as I get, it would be nice to have some one...but can I handle another long distance relationship? Fuck if I know. I can't even handle a real life relationship.
I don't know how long I was outside, but I just kind of wandered down the driveway and around the yard earlier thinking about all this...questioning so many things...
The biggest thing I wondered was whether or not I was even meant to love, atleast at this time. I go around helping others, giving my advice where I can, playing the kind guardian angel to those who need it. In the past few months, other then the few relapses I've had, I've done pretty well with my own depression and I've tried so so so so SO very hard to pass what I've learned on to others. And because of it there's this part of me that believes...or atleast wants to believe...that this is my pourpose, atleast for the time being. Its helping me on my quest of forgiveness and what not, all those things I need to release to delve in to my practice as much as I wish to.
So...okay...looking back on that part now I realize what it is. (Wow, another self revelation while writing my posts. I gotta do this more often. Har. >.>)
I'm worried. That's what it is. I'm worried that even LETTING my heart feel love is going to lead, once again, to the path that I've faced so many times. Betryal, heart ache, what not. I'm worried....no, afraid that if that happens again I'll never be able to grow to the person I want to be. Its hard enough as it is, battling with these things day in and day out, taking the little victories where they come...throw something else in to the mix and I'm figuratively fucked.
But all that self revelation doesn't do shit for what I'm supposed to do now...
Oi...I dunno...that post made no fucking sense...
I'm done. I'm gonna go stuff my face with a midnight snack and go back to writing...Sigh. ._.
