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jenioctaviaI was talking to Matt earlier, before he left for the night, though it was after his LJ post...
Its funny how a few things can trigger memories in your mind. Hence the title of this post.
I was playing Harry Potter when I was talking to Matt at the same time, so though I was giving the best advice I could, my mind was mostly on the game. Not that I didn't care. I did, and my ability to multitask makes it so that I know what's going on in whatever's happening around me. But my mind wasn't allowed to draw on personal experince completely at the time.
After he'd left, Mom told me to turn on the TV 'cause Scrubs was on. Interesting episode, with a great line in it (Todd: I've got a pink doggie, but its not little. Elliot: Okay if you show me your penis I'm going to have to take it away from you.), but the whole thing came down to that big thing that Matt was getting at before. "What if". The ever popular yet never answered question that rings through the minds of many who have been wronged, hurt, or done things in thier past that they wish could be rectified some how. Oh yeah, and I got a Cadbury egg from the kitchen durring one of the comercials, but that really has nothing to do with anything. I just like them. :P
But, anyway, I got to thinking about my own whatifs...the betryal that happened in my past. I've been sitting here for a while now...half an hour roughly, just thinking about it, playing those last two weeks over and over agian in my head. Its been two years since it happened, and yet a small peice of me that breaks to the surface every now and then still can't let go of it. Maybe I never will...
I suppose the biggest thing about it now is just...there were things I wanted to say back then. Alot of things. Even if I couldn't have prevented what Amanda did to me, even if, in the end it really was the event that was going to take place no matter what, there were things I should have...could have told her. Like how much she hurt me...and how I still view her as less of a person for what she did. And how much it bothers me that, just like how my father acted, she refuses to even aknowlage what she did. That probably bothers me the most. Even when she had a CHANCE to say "You know, I'm sorry for what I did, I was wrong." she didn't. She laid the blame on both of us, saying we both were to blame for the end result. That's chicken shit.
So, the question remains. Why don't I just say those things now? I talk to her anyway...
Well...what would the point be? I would LOVE to hear those words from her, and if she ever wanted to step forward and take responsibility for stabbing me in the back, I would be more then happy to listen. But until then, there's absolutely no point to bringing it up. It would just start an argument that would never get resolved...
*chuckles* And the amazing thing? I just came to that conclution as I was writing this...and I really feel better for it.
Now, to solve this little bout of negativity over my writing abilities...Meh. ^.^;
Its funny how a few things can trigger memories in your mind. Hence the title of this post.
I was playing Harry Potter when I was talking to Matt at the same time, so though I was giving the best advice I could, my mind was mostly on the game. Not that I didn't care. I did, and my ability to multitask makes it so that I know what's going on in whatever's happening around me. But my mind wasn't allowed to draw on personal experince completely at the time.
After he'd left, Mom told me to turn on the TV 'cause Scrubs was on. Interesting episode, with a great line in it (Todd: I've got a pink doggie, but its not little. Elliot: Okay if you show me your penis I'm going to have to take it away from you.), but the whole thing came down to that big thing that Matt was getting at before. "What if". The ever popular yet never answered question that rings through the minds of many who have been wronged, hurt, or done things in thier past that they wish could be rectified some how. Oh yeah, and I got a Cadbury egg from the kitchen durring one of the comercials, but that really has nothing to do with anything. I just like them. :P
But, anyway, I got to thinking about my own whatifs...the betryal that happened in my past. I've been sitting here for a while now...half an hour roughly, just thinking about it, playing those last two weeks over and over agian in my head. Its been two years since it happened, and yet a small peice of me that breaks to the surface every now and then still can't let go of it. Maybe I never will...
I suppose the biggest thing about it now is just...there were things I wanted to say back then. Alot of things. Even if I couldn't have prevented what Amanda did to me, even if, in the end it really was the event that was going to take place no matter what, there were things I should have...could have told her. Like how much she hurt me...and how I still view her as less of a person for what she did. And how much it bothers me that, just like how my father acted, she refuses to even aknowlage what she did. That probably bothers me the most. Even when she had a CHANCE to say "You know, I'm sorry for what I did, I was wrong." she didn't. She laid the blame on both of us, saying we both were to blame for the end result. That's chicken shit.
So, the question remains. Why don't I just say those things now? I talk to her anyway...
Well...what would the point be? I would LOVE to hear those words from her, and if she ever wanted to step forward and take responsibility for stabbing me in the back, I would be more then happy to listen. But until then, there's absolutely no point to bringing it up. It would just start an argument that would never get resolved...
*chuckles* And the amazing thing? I just came to that conclution as I was writing this...and I really feel better for it.
Now, to solve this little bout of negativity over my writing abilities...Meh. ^.^;
