I can hear you in a whisper but you can't even hear me screaming...

[jenioctavia]

"I really really fucking hate you..."
Its amazing how easily one will demand the truth out of any given situation, and yet just as easily forget how much that truth may wind up stinging...
After a while of brooding over these words, and the fact that I had lashed back out at her, I finally gave in and went for a very long walk.
It was in the park, sitting up on the big slide in the dark, alone with my Evanescence MP3 CD playing loud in the ears, that I realized I still loved her. Or atleast had feelings for her.
I had already told her how her words basically demeaned my entire existence to her, belittled any feelings I had ever had, and made me feel worthless. But it wasn't until that moment in the park that I realized those feelings were still, and always had been, under the surface. Why had I rebounded so quickly then when she ended it? Because, one, I just do that, two, the oprotunity was there. Stupid reasons all the same...
But that never meant I stopped loving her. Even after she started becoming some one completely different...
I love Garrett...but a huge part of my heart was still attatched to her, even when I claimed I had let go...
So now I feel worthless...and guilty for the things I said...but confused because I know what Matt has told me to be true...
So how is it that some one who could so easily toy with my emotions and then break them completely have my heart like this? And...am I going to be able to get over it this time?
I really don't know...

Don't leave me here...by myself...I can't breathe...

Comments

[serena-snape.livejournal.com]

have you talked to her about it?
Jeni, follow your heart...at the moment, you were feeling crushed, and when you're crushed, you are very, brutally honest. which is both good and bad. i think it's more good then bad, but it all depends on weither i'm on the recieving end of this honesty, lol.
Talk to her...and not just one of your... "Meh. >.> Sorry." talks, really talk to her.

Re:

[jenioctavia.livejournal.com]

This wasn't a "Meh. >.> Sorry." talk. This wasn't an anything except completely final talk. She stated what she thought of me, and everyone else around her apparently, and I stated that I was tired of her crap. End of story. There isn't any reconcilation this time, just me dealing with my emotions and her skipping along merrily as she thinks she's gotten off scottfree.
Sorry Tanja, but for once your advice just isn't going to work.

Re:

[serena-snape.livejournal.com]

wait...so it wasn't you that went all apeshit, it was her? wtf, forget Her Jeni, you're way better of then some #!@#21 that can't decide what she wants from life.

[moonlightgryph.livejournal.com]

"So how is it that some one who could so easily toy with my emotions and then break them completely have my heart like this?"

Because our hearts and our minds are two very sperate beasts. Even when our minds know it's not logical to feel a certain way, our heart (and emotions) ignore and go their own way. It's hard to deal with and confusing... but not something that can always be helped.

"And...am I going to be able to get over it this time?"

Yes. You will. And I'm not being presumptuous. It's just... you are still here, still breathing. What's another minute? Another hour? With each of those minutes/hours/days/months/years the memories fade- the pain, though still there most likely, dulls. Every step forward we take is a step away from what happened before. Right now I imagine the pain is sharp. Nearly unbearable. But, like physical wounds, that pain will slowly ebb. Down to a dull throb... and hopefully, eventually, into nothing. It's not comfortable to deal with- but what choice do we have? Not much of one.

Keep your head up, dearheart. I know it's hard to see through your tears, but there is still light.

Mm...

[desolatedreamer.livejournal.com]

Remember, that people say a lot of things they don't mean. They might be hurt.. or upset.. and it doesn't neccesarily have to be by you, but maybe by themselves. They can hate themselves for mistakes they've made.. and I'm sure she just hates herself for ever letting you go. Pride gets in the way.. a lot. And if in fact she has loved you since she left you, as I am sure she has... then pride has turned to guilt for breaking your heart, and guilt turned then to anger.. not at you.. maybe not even at those who hurt her... but at herself... and I know she's sorry.. and I know she regrets so much.. and I know she still cares... no matter how much of a mask she may put on. You deserve someone better, Jeni.. You always have.