So where do we go from here?

[jenioctavia]

I'm starting to question why I'm still here...
And even though I -know- I have answers, after today I don't think they're good enough...
I love Matt. I will always love him. But that doesn't help the fact that I do have other friends besides him, and clearly people are getting hurt.
I'm not going to sit here and place the blame 'cause even as involved as I am, I am still just an outsider in all that's happening.
But I know I do have a problem. Its the same one I've had for years. Rescuing people, trying to save them from themselves or others for whatever reason. I tell them what they want to hear for my own selfish reasons.
I.Can't.Fucking.Lose.
That's my problem. Through all this I'm still clinging as tightly as ever to everyone I care about even if it means stepping in to a situation I don't want to be in because I know that if I lose one more person I'm going to fucking lose it. I'm gonna go postal and lose my sanity because I've lost too many as it is, atleast in my own mind.
Great...I'm fucking crying now...
I'd hoped I'd gotten this out of my system with my mile and a half long walk around Canby...
Guess not...
I just want things to be the way they were! I want to go back to the days before Vero's take over, before Brian left and before Matt ever hurt himiself! Back in the days when the only angst was the occational fight between two people that got resolved the next day!
And once again I want this all for my own stupidly selfish reasons. Because I'm getting caught in the crossfire knowing that its all going to come crashing down, and I made a fucking promise to a person that I bonded myself to. And I know its going to screw me over in the end. I'm not saying Matt himself is going to, but just the whole situation in general...
Because it happened before and it happened again...
Amanda...and the old group at Mazama...is replaying itself right here with about fifty more players and an online game. And I'm in the same role as before...
I swear...my habits are going to be the end of me...

*sighs* I love all my friends, I love my brother and I love the guild...and I know I should just shut up and stay out of it all...
But if anyone would bother to look my way they'd see a girl who's been crushed one too many times by this thing called life...
And maybe I'm no different then the rest of the world...but aren't we all alone in our own pain, seeing it as the end of the world any time it smacks us upside the head again?

Happy fucking new year...
I don't want to see 20...

Comments

[crescenttears.livejournal.com]

I love you too, Jeni.. I don't know if you heard about my situation, but don't worry. I'll be fine. Carmen and a few others from the cont. aren't letting me go like Matt did. I understand you want to be close to him no matter what. But I'm through with him. Only him. None of you. Because you guys actually care about me.

<3 Get well soon okay? And you best see 20. I don't want to loose anymore friends any less than you do.. :\

-Aif

[callia-autumn.livejournal.com]

I don't know what's going on and I haven't for a while, but all I can say is I want those days back too. I think that deep down, it's probably the reason I left. The continuity used to be my escape, where I had all kinds of friends that I loved and life in general was good. Just walking back in there now makes me want to scream and I've gotten to the point where I'm powerless to make anything right again. I miss the old days too and I'm a big fat traitor for taking off as soon as things got rough.

Anyways Jeni, I know we weren't close but I can see a lot of things we have in common. It's a shame things turned out the way they did. Feel better and I'm sure 20 will be a great year; just make sure you get there.
<3 Callia