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I'm not exactly known for my optimism, but I've been trying desperately to remain positive about my current situation. It was actually a lot easier than I thought it was going to be, considering I at least still had a roof over my head and food in my belly. Being away from Joe and Krissie has decidedly been a bit more straining than I honestly thought. I figured I was still very much a loner at heart, but you don't realize how big an impact living with two people for a year has on you until they're suddenly not there any more. Regardless, I've been trying my best not to let it get me down too much, with hopes that a steady job would come my way, or that I might figure out a solution to the apartment problem.
It didn't last long.
I got called today for Storables, this time the Pearl District store instead of Tigard, which was nice because it cut my commute down greatly, though admittedly I like the Tigard people just a smidge better. There was a really cool guy named Max there, though, who was a lot of fun to talk to, but the other two girls I was with would just stand there for minutes at a time without grabbing a box to work on, and one was apparently having some problem with her roommate and spent most of the time after lunch texting. I wound up doing most of the unloading, which kind of irritated me. At least the Tigard store has some older workers who aren't going to make the temps do all the work.
...heh. Now I kind of see why Claudia would get pissed at me for texting during my shifts at Lambs. >_>;
Anyway, back to what I was getting to.
Some one mentioned the date today, and one of the girls said 'nineteenth'. I actually had to stop at that.
'Its not the eighteenth?'
'Nope. We're running out of days in December' Max said.
I seriously had to reign in any further words after that, because I realized I missed my mom's birthday.
She would have been 61 yesterday.
After I got off work, seeing the rain outside, it just kind of fell on me like a sack of bricks, and I started asking myself all these irrelevant questions, like 'why didn't I just go back to Klamath when it happened', and 'what the hell am I REALLY doing here anymore'. That also transitioned in to me realizing that as much as Mike has helped me out, he kind of abandoned me at the same time. Rather than finding some way to take me in when I was clearly in no mental condition or preparedness to live on my own, especially out in Canby with no transportation, he simply let me flounder, only to call me periodically and berate me for not getting my shit together.
Dad kind of did the same thing, but when push came to shove he still took me in, even when it meant we'd probably never get along.
I don't think I resented Mike for it, but I honestly had to wonder if maybe I'd be in a better place if he had taken me. I mean, he wants to give all this advice, but only so long as I'm being kept at arm's length while its happening. That really doesn't help me, especially when I learn by example.
And the fact that I've just been floundering above the surface ever since just doesn't make me feel any better about it either.
I guess the reason I can't resent him for it, though, is because one, its been so long, and two, I can't blame him entirely. He already did have his life established, and much like Dad he wasn't willing to uproot himself for our mom's passing and the fact that I, at 20, had no fucking clue what I was doing. Its selfish, but apparently that's just a natural trait in everyone in our family, from Dad's side to Mom's side.
All of this translated in to the remaining questions of what we were going to do, why the hell I wasn't doing something with my life, and what would happen if I failed this time around.
By the end of it I was in tears, and actually glad for the rain, especially because not having an umbrella or hood meant no one could really tell I was crying.
It took me an hour to get home. I missed a stop on the trolly, and in the end I just kind of wandered around the streets, not really deliberately looking for the stop for the 15 until I realized I couldn't feel my face anymore.
I felt a little better by the time I got home, but I cried a little more after I sat down alone for a while. Raven says I can talk to her later if I need to, and I might, but right now I'm just kind of trying not to feel like I'm gonna be sick or something. My head hurts, I'm cold, I'm sitting on Roy because I didn't think to grab it before putting the blankets on the floor, and I'm hella tired cause they woke me up at 8 when I went to bed at 3. o.x
...I'm St. Ingatious, listen to me bitch! Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch~ect, ect >_>;
I think I need a nap. ._.
It didn't last long.
I got called today for Storables, this time the Pearl District store instead of Tigard, which was nice because it cut my commute down greatly, though admittedly I like the Tigard people just a smidge better. There was a really cool guy named Max there, though, who was a lot of fun to talk to, but the other two girls I was with would just stand there for minutes at a time without grabbing a box to work on, and one was apparently having some problem with her roommate and spent most of the time after lunch texting. I wound up doing most of the unloading, which kind of irritated me. At least the Tigard store has some older workers who aren't going to make the temps do all the work.
...heh. Now I kind of see why Claudia would get pissed at me for texting during my shifts at Lambs. >_>;
Anyway, back to what I was getting to.
Some one mentioned the date today, and one of the girls said 'nineteenth'. I actually had to stop at that.
'Its not the eighteenth?'
'Nope. We're running out of days in December' Max said.
I seriously had to reign in any further words after that, because I realized I missed my mom's birthday.
She would have been 61 yesterday.
After I got off work, seeing the rain outside, it just kind of fell on me like a sack of bricks, and I started asking myself all these irrelevant questions, like 'why didn't I just go back to Klamath when it happened', and 'what the hell am I REALLY doing here anymore'. That also transitioned in to me realizing that as much as Mike has helped me out, he kind of abandoned me at the same time. Rather than finding some way to take me in when I was clearly in no mental condition or preparedness to live on my own, especially out in Canby with no transportation, he simply let me flounder, only to call me periodically and berate me for not getting my shit together.
Dad kind of did the same thing, but when push came to shove he still took me in, even when it meant we'd probably never get along.
I don't think I resented Mike for it, but I honestly had to wonder if maybe I'd be in a better place if he had taken me. I mean, he wants to give all this advice, but only so long as I'm being kept at arm's length while its happening. That really doesn't help me, especially when I learn by example.
And the fact that I've just been floundering above the surface ever since just doesn't make me feel any better about it either.
I guess the reason I can't resent him for it, though, is because one, its been so long, and two, I can't blame him entirely. He already did have his life established, and much like Dad he wasn't willing to uproot himself for our mom's passing and the fact that I, at 20, had no fucking clue what I was doing. Its selfish, but apparently that's just a natural trait in everyone in our family, from Dad's side to Mom's side.
All of this translated in to the remaining questions of what we were going to do, why the hell I wasn't doing something with my life, and what would happen if I failed this time around.
By the end of it I was in tears, and actually glad for the rain, especially because not having an umbrella or hood meant no one could really tell I was crying.
It took me an hour to get home. I missed a stop on the trolly, and in the end I just kind of wandered around the streets, not really deliberately looking for the stop for the 15 until I realized I couldn't feel my face anymore.
I felt a little better by the time I got home, but I cried a little more after I sat down alone for a while. Raven says I can talk to her later if I need to, and I might, but right now I'm just kind of trying not to feel like I'm gonna be sick or something. My head hurts, I'm cold, I'm sitting on Roy because I didn't think to grab it before putting the blankets on the floor, and I'm hella tired cause they woke me up at 8 when I went to bed at 3. o.x
...I'm St. Ingatious, listen to me bitch! Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch~ect, ect >_>;
I think I need a nap. ._.
