Another rant (aren't y'all tired of these by now?)

So the sale is over, and I only made about 50$. Pretty dissapointing, even by my standards. That wouldn't have been so bad to deal with, considering I have a backup plan, but I got slapped in the face once again yesterday.
My aid has been cut off. AGAIN. This is exactly what happened last time I went to school. I haven't told Mike or Carol yet, but at this point I have three options.
Get a job (soon), pawn a bunch of stuff, and simply suck it up and pay for my classes this term bit by bit.
The same, but drop my classes and wait until next term to get it reinstated.
Same again, but talk to some one there and pray that this was just a misunderstanding, as I didn't recieve my award letter until AFTER I dropped Photography, and they're saying that I had my money before then and that's why it got cut off (Unsatisfactory prefromance or some bullshit like that.)
I have...a very long day on Monday.

Since I read the letter I've felt like crying, but since I have Beth and Forest here again I refuse to. They'll try to make me smile, and personally I'd rather sit here forcing one without them bothering me then be constantly pestered about how things are going to get better.
Frankly, I'm fucking tired of hearing that. Have things gotten better since Mom passed away? No. My life is a festering pot of SHIT right now because I can't figure out how to live my life without her. I'm getting to the point where I think I'd be better living on the goddamned streets then keep trying to fight my way through these bills, the rent, the fact that I can't get a job and the fact that I can't go to school.
I just want to be able to live my life, get my education but EVERYTHING is fighting me tooth and nail about it. Every day my heart breaks a little more...

Looking at this...I realize now why I've been pushing so many people away from me. They all say the same thing. "Smile." "It'll get better." or that ever famous "I'm sorry, I wish there was something I could do."
I don't care if they all care about me. It doesn't HELP. Its hollow to me. Empty fucking words that don't change a fucking thing. So rather then deal with it I just hide and ignore and pretend they don't exist. Selfish of me, I know...but I have no other means of dealing right now.

I love you guys, even the ones that don't get that much attention from me...

but damn it, if that's all you can say to me, then don't bother, okay? Its gotten old. VERY old.

Talk to me about the weather or something...

Its not fair. None of this is. How come...Mike gets to stay in his nice apartment and only has to greive over losing his mother...
and I'm burdened with the leftover bills that I can't pay, I'm the one losing my chance for an education, I'm the one...who gets fucked over?

Something I can barely comprehend is leaving me emotionally and finachally crippled, and I'm still expected to live my every day life, go on like things are normal.
Things AREN'T normal. Everyone who says I have to can take a flying fucking leap off a cliff!

Goddess...I don't even know what I'm typing anymore. What a way to start the morning off...