Mm...

I can't sleep...which is probably why I'm watching another damned romance.

Its cute, but my thoughts are elsewhere.

I can't really sleep because every time my eyes close, strange images float across my closed eyelids. Things from dreams I've been having lately, memories I haven't pulled up in years mixed with this strange sub reality I've been creating in my sleep. I keep having these dreams that occur in the last sleepings hours of the night, that seem so real despite thier oddness. I can't remember anything right now, but I just remember that Mike and Mom are always in them, sometimes Matthew...and that's it. That and...when I wake up...I'm scared. Scared because I know they're not there anymore. I stumble around the house thinking I can find them and then...I just cry. I cry because I'm alone.

So I don't want to sleep. My once peaceful sanctuary of the night has been destroyed by my need and want to have some one, anyone, with me, telling me everything's going to be okay.

I know last night I was just in the grips of a break down when I rambled everything about praying to Her and wanting results. I know it doesn't work like that. But my heart was rationalizing what my mind was trying to be reasonable about, and winning. I am going to meditate eventually, and probably pull out my Tarot like Jeff suggested in his response to me. But right now I'm still at a point where I don't think its going to do alot of good. Besides that, I'm exausted.

I want sleep...I need sleep...


But I need some one to hold me more then anything...