pack your suitcase I don't mind

[jenioctavia]

Growing up seems to be about constant transition and never really know quite where you stand, or if you're really standing at all. I feel more like the latter usually. Just sort of freefloating in this space, better than I was but never quite where I want to be, and always coming back to atleast one constant, if not more than one at times. But I think I'm okay with that.

Lately I've been forgetting, but it seems okay now that I'm surrounded by so much love that I never had before. But I still remember sometimes, and at those times I remember so much that it hurts. Time heals the wounds, but the past can't go away. I can only hope I've learned something from it all, and that I can pass that to others who may be dealing with fresher wounds, and give them the same love they've given me.

I don't understand love that well. Things in my family were so straight and narrow. Nothing varied, there were no levels. Freinds were freinds, family was family, and to them only family meant strong bonds. Hypocrytical, considering everything to them was so damn conditonal. I spent so much of my life with an aching heart because it truly had so much more to give than what they would allow and it got so little in return because I wasn't the perfect child. The pain always confused me, and I felt there was something I was missing.

But...

I'm learning. I've surrounded myself with hearts as big as mine, willing to give and receive. And I may stumble sometimes, and not always say or do the right thing, but they do not judge, and the hand is always there to help me back up again. Just as I do for them.

I am not selfish.
I am not alone.
I am not unloveable.

I am me. And I have been accepted as just that, nothing more, nothing less.

And I can truly say you all saved me...