Midnight Musings

It's funny how the past can come back to you. Be it by things that you've just left lying around, or other things that come in to view. I guess that's the problem with living so much of my life online: the things that happened can't always be hidden away, because 90% of time, I'm not the only one that has something of those memories. Even if what the other person has isn't the EXACT memory, their presence is there, and that makes it all that much harder to get away from it.

I often ask myself why I kept returning, especially why I kept returning with that old name. Oh, I tried to rid myself of it several times, in several different ways, but I guess there's an attatchment that won't go away until the day I finally decide to never log in again.

And who the shit knows when that will be.

My life is radically, crazily different than it was back then. I'm also very different. Personality, looks, the way I deal with things.

But some how these old things still make my chest tighten, bring stinging to my eyes. Even though I would love to be able to look at the people and things I have now and say "The past is gone, this is now." I can't seem to.

Its not like I'm going to go emo over what happened. I just know that I'm the kind of person who takes a great deal to finally let go of past occurances. And hell, I don't think I ever stop dwelling on them to some small degree. I still think about what Amanda did to me, fro cripes sake.

But...
unlike with Amanda, I do feel an honest sense of guilt over what took place. A part of me has realized that I did and said things that I really shouldn't have. At the time I rationalized them, but I realized that I was being selfish, though I know also that I wasn't the only one. I think the worst part of the guilt comes from the fact that I came across a log with a friend in which I said I would "be there until the last upload". I broke that promise, for my own reasons. And, yehknow...it doesn't sit so well with me anymore, but I know there's nothing I can do about it. An apology would do shit at this point.

Meh, whatever. Its just some strange musings going on in my head right now...

I guess what it comes down to is...
I wish desperately that it had gone differently. I wish that, if anything, I was still on speaking terms with those involved.

And more than anything, I wish I could still be involved.

I won't deny that Matt made an amazing thing...