Maybe someday you'll look up...

Its coming down to the wire, and even with everyone's help I'm starting to dread that its not going to be enough. I don't know if she's going to take a partial, and considering that she's pretty much saying Tuseday is Now or Never day, I'm seriously doubting that she will.

So...now what? I'm really not sure. Beth insists she's still got quite a few tricks up her sleeve, but so far all previous tricks, which there's been quite a few, have turned up empty and useless. I have every right to start freaking out now...

I've never been this scared before in my life, and it makes me queasy. Hell I woke up that way. But what makes me even more sick is knowing that I couldn't rely on what was left of my family. Dad COMPLETELY blew me off when I asked for help and eventually stopped answering my phonecalls afterwards. Mike already said when I signed this contract that he wasn't going to help me pay my rent. Even if I know he'd take me in, I'm at the point where I wouldn't want it even if we did get evicted. I can't deal with constant redicule and having my mistakes thrown in my face. Any of my other family would be like 'well you only call when you want something'. Basically a nice way of saying 'fuck you'.

I'm going to class today even though I know I'm failing now. I guess I just need to go somewhere, do something...I have no tricks, I have no resources. I've used all mine, so I'm pretty much a useless waste over here. Nothing left to do but cling to the last two days and pray for a miracle.

...this sucks. The whole thing just sucks. But as much as it does, I know that a good chunk of it is my fault. All those stupid shopping trips, all the stupid decisions I made. Yeah, I was greiving when I did those things but that's no excuse. I knew what I was in for and I blatantly ignored that I really didn't have money to spend and did it anyway.

The sad part in all this? Its not being evicted, its not messing up so badly that this happened, its not all those things that would normally matter to people...

its leaving my friends. Yes, this stupid computer, this stupid desk...the fact that when this goes down I have to leave it all behind. And to most these friends i have are just text on a screen but to me they're so much more...

I made promises I can't keep now, and I can't even say that without having tears in my eyes. Everyone on that game, on my buddylist that I talked to on more then a semi-frequent basis...they all mean alot to me. They were my salvation when I just couldn't deal with life. And now...what? I repay the favor by possibly dissapearing forever? Fuck...that just tears me up inside.

I could sit here and say that it isn't fair, but...hah...I did it to myself, didn't I?

Atleast Beth still has a home to go back to in Klamath...