Its okay to admit being scared...I think...

So this morning I had to try to sneak my way on to the Trimet using an old transfer. Its worked before, maybe twice or something like that...but today I got caught and the bus driver reamed me good after we got the college, but he still gave me a ride after I said I needed to get up there.

After appoligzing I ran to the bathroom and cried. Not because he reamed me, but because I realized just how desperate and horrible things have gotten. I realized how much I've fucked up by spending money I shouldn't have, and that I've been resorted to lying and cheating to make it to classes I don't even want to be in.

And I can think of a million different things ways went wrong, and yet I still ask myself that age old question. "How?"

In the end how did things really turn out this way? What was the means that brought me to the point I'm at now, avoiding my brother's questions on the overdrawn bank account, trying hard not to think about rent, knowing I need to hunt for a job but so completely depressed that I have no motivation to do so.

I'm afraid, really afraid. The favors have all run out, and I'm at the end of my rope...I know what Mom was going through now...why she slept so damned much when money got tight. It makes it easier then thinking about it...

So I sit here at the school computer, headphones on, wondering what the last straw is really going to be...