*sigh*

After my little blow up yesterday I've managed to calm down some...yeah...some...

Actually this isn't so much as calm as it is emotionally empty. I'm going through these mood cycles in the worst extremes I've ever faced in my life, and whenever I finally manage to get myself in check, I'm usually too drained to even feel...anything.

Maybe that's a good thing. I'm at school right now, and I suppose looking like a damned zombie is better then freaking out.

I did manage to crack a smile today, though.

Amanda kept telling me that Jamie (from the Coats. We've been friends with them for a few years now) gave her something to give to me after she told him about Mom. Well I got it in the mail today. It wasn't anything fancy, just the pamphlet from the show they did, with these words scrawled in black Sharpie marker.

"Hey Jeni - Sorry to hear about your mom. Hang in there. You have brought much joy to us with your energy and smile. The world needs more. I have a hug for you. ~ Jamie D."

Its in my wallet now. That actually almost made me cry. All of them; Jamie, Doug, Kerry, and Keith, are such huge sweethearts. I can't wait to see them again when I go down for thier next show.

The whole time on the bus here I kept thinking about how this is the first class I've been to since Mom passed. Its only been a week but it feels like a life time. Everything's been so crazy, trying to get the memorial set up, trying to figure out what to do with my living situation...

I just kind of feel like...like I've lost control again and I guess that's bothering me more then I'm verbally willing to let on. The crushing loneliness doesn't help, either.

And the whole thought of the fact that it seems to me like our move up here was nothing but a huge mistake. She didn't come up here to die. We both came up here to have better lives. Yet this is where we've ended up. I dunno...that's a really negative way to look at it, but I can't seem to view it any other way. That's what I always come back to when I'm sitting alone brooding over the whole situation.

Its funny...I'm a writer...and yet I can't even find the words, a way, any way, to completely express how I feel right now. Maybe that's why I'm so apt to just fly off the handle. Everything's getting bottled up and I have no way to deal with it.

Meh. Half an hour until class...guess that's it for now.
Hopefully I don't lose it between now and 9...