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Ramblings...
Apr. 17th, 2004 02:00 amI said I was gonna update last night, but by the time I came home I was achey, queasy, headachey and just plain out of it...
The news really wasn't that good. We wound up talking to Dr. D (can't remember her full last name) instead of Dr. Walsik since he got held up at St. Vincent's. She was the other doctor who was treating Mom. It pretty much came down to this:
The antibiotics weren't working and the infection was just growing and clumping on more and more to that heartvalve. If they did a surgery to replace it there was a very slim chance she'd survive. The longest anyone's gone on the particular medication used for this kind of infection and had results without growing imune to it was 6 weeks. We're just about on week three.
They're going to keep trying with the current remedy and hope something works. But as it stands, her heart could just give out at any time. We were asked later on that if that were to happen, what we would want to do. Between Mike and I the decision wasn't an easy one, but we finally decided that no measures would be taken; to just let her go.
She was pretty much comataose for the first two hours we were there, and the times she did wake up she was very out of it and very inchoerent. Mike actually broke down, and that's when it started hitting me that this was really happening; there was a very, very good chance we could lose our mother.
The hardest time though was for a moment when she woke up while we were both holding one of her hands. She told us she loved us and pulled Mike's and mine's hands together, as if some how she knew there'd been tension between us since this started. Mike lost it, and I had to leave the room. I was sobbing at that point and couldn't see much more then a foot in front of my face.
Later on she came to a bit more and Mike and I got dinner and hung out for a while. So we're going back up tomorrow..erwell I guess its today now isn't it? Yeah...
The car ride back home was hard in the sense that Mike and I had to face this head on with a realisitc point of view, and things had to be discussed that neither of us really wanted to talk about. Things like her social security, what's going to happen to me, her belongings, ect~
At home I was just beyond out of it, breaking in to tears every so often. I sware, this thing has been such a nightmare...I still at this very moment want to wake up and know that it was just a fucked up dream. But unforuntately the pain in my left hand (I burned myself cooking dinner tonight. e.e) and my toe is telling me otherwise.
I feel like I should be doing something, anything. Praying, speaking to the goddess, reading tarot cards, or just plain sending good energy her way. But since I woke this morning, which was very hard, I've just been in a daze, lost and confused. I want to think positively, but this whole thing is smacking in to me with that tone of compeltely and total ominus doom. As it is I've even gone so far as to break down these walls I've put between myself and the rest of my family and called Dad to tell him. Yeah, he was suprised, and asked what he could do to help. I was glad he was concerned enough to ask, but I felt I couldn't take anything from him, just yet.
Everyone's praying/thinking of/sending good energy for her, but the "I'm so sorry"'s and "I'll (insert mode of religous help here)" is already starting to sound so hallow to me. I appricate them just the same, but I just feel in my gut right now that in the end its not going to matter. One can only be pulled from the clutches of death so many times before thier body just gives in.
On that same note...I've kind of come to accept that she really isn't going to be around forever, and that maybe this really is the end. If she's holding on for me, I need to be stronger then I have been and some how let her know that I'm going to be okay on my own. Relying on her as my crutch the past few years has made me soft, and made her think that her baby has become dependent once more.
I know I have more to say, there's alot running around in my head right now...but it would take years to get it all down in text. This situation has brought alot of things to light, smacked me in the face with reality, and forced me look at things a little differently.
But that doesn't help the pain I feel right now...
The news really wasn't that good. We wound up talking to Dr. D (can't remember her full last name) instead of Dr. Walsik since he got held up at St. Vincent's. She was the other doctor who was treating Mom. It pretty much came down to this:
The antibiotics weren't working and the infection was just growing and clumping on more and more to that heartvalve. If they did a surgery to replace it there was a very slim chance she'd survive. The longest anyone's gone on the particular medication used for this kind of infection and had results without growing imune to it was 6 weeks. We're just about on week three.
They're going to keep trying with the current remedy and hope something works. But as it stands, her heart could just give out at any time. We were asked later on that if that were to happen, what we would want to do. Between Mike and I the decision wasn't an easy one, but we finally decided that no measures would be taken; to just let her go.
She was pretty much comataose for the first two hours we were there, and the times she did wake up she was very out of it and very inchoerent. Mike actually broke down, and that's when it started hitting me that this was really happening; there was a very, very good chance we could lose our mother.
The hardest time though was for a moment when she woke up while we were both holding one of her hands. She told us she loved us and pulled Mike's and mine's hands together, as if some how she knew there'd been tension between us since this started. Mike lost it, and I had to leave the room. I was sobbing at that point and couldn't see much more then a foot in front of my face.
Later on she came to a bit more and Mike and I got dinner and hung out for a while. So we're going back up tomorrow..erwell I guess its today now isn't it? Yeah...
The car ride back home was hard in the sense that Mike and I had to face this head on with a realisitc point of view, and things had to be discussed that neither of us really wanted to talk about. Things like her social security, what's going to happen to me, her belongings, ect~
At home I was just beyond out of it, breaking in to tears every so often. I sware, this thing has been such a nightmare...I still at this very moment want to wake up and know that it was just a fucked up dream. But unforuntately the pain in my left hand (I burned myself cooking dinner tonight. e.e) and my toe is telling me otherwise.
I feel like I should be doing something, anything. Praying, speaking to the goddess, reading tarot cards, or just plain sending good energy her way. But since I woke this morning, which was very hard, I've just been in a daze, lost and confused. I want to think positively, but this whole thing is smacking in to me with that tone of compeltely and total ominus doom. As it is I've even gone so far as to break down these walls I've put between myself and the rest of my family and called Dad to tell him. Yeah, he was suprised, and asked what he could do to help. I was glad he was concerned enough to ask, but I felt I couldn't take anything from him, just yet.
Everyone's praying/thinking of/sending good energy for her, but the "I'm so sorry"'s and "I'll (insert mode of religous help here)" is already starting to sound so hallow to me. I appricate them just the same, but I just feel in my gut right now that in the end its not going to matter. One can only be pulled from the clutches of death so many times before thier body just gives in.
On that same note...I've kind of come to accept that she really isn't going to be around forever, and that maybe this really is the end. If she's holding on for me, I need to be stronger then I have been and some how let her know that I'm going to be okay on my own. Relying on her as my crutch the past few years has made me soft, and made her think that her baby has become dependent once more.
I know I have more to say, there's alot running around in my head right now...but it would take years to get it all down in text. This situation has brought alot of things to light, smacked me in the face with reality, and forced me look at things a little differently.
But that doesn't help the pain I feel right now...
