So this is real life..

Happy fucking birthday...

I got suspened for five days from work.

Apparently my preformance hasn't been up to par.

Yeah, right. Everyone just ignore all the good things I do, all the times I've gone above and beyond the call of duty for customers, for my department. Ignore the fact that I managed to come in every day of that fucking ice storm except one, even when there was no one in my area, and did damn near everyone's job.

Just look at all the bad shit I do. The fact that I'm snappish and sometimes irratable when others slack off and cause me problems.

Thanks for making me feel compeltely inadaquate, guys. Thanks for making me feel worthless. Thanks for taking away my-OUR only means of income.

Tell me in five days that I don't have a job, that I've fucked up too much.

Then watch as this thing called 'adult life' takes the flame from another human...

I can't deal with this...I just can't...

(no subject)

I kept myself busy today. Cleaned my room, worked on patching, things like that...I just didn't want my mind to slip and wander back to the fact that I was indefentaltey jobless...
But it finally did when I went to get dinner with Mom. Unable to help myself, I curled up with the bottle of Pepsi from 7-11 in my seat, Ravenclaw scarf wrapped around my neck, fighting back the tears as I thought of everything that had happened...
It dawned on me at Taco Bell that while Mom would be jaunting off to dyalsis in the morning as she always did, she would not be returning to take me to work for my 12 o'clock shift...and that hurt.
Fry's...isn't so bad. In fact, I was starting to like it, save for my sometimes slacker coworkers. And I had the impression atleast some people liked me there, which was a new feeling indeed.
I kept saying I hated it out of defense, out of not wanting to admit that it was my fault (mostly) that I was in the situation to begin with. I simply wanted more from my life, and there was always an underlining fear that I -would- be stuck there forever.
So tomorrow I'll call Gen...and I'll call Bill...and I'll pray to whatever gods or goddess might be listening that some one lets me plead my case.
I may have the fear of being stuck in a so called rut for the rest of my life, but I have an even bigger fear of losing what little ground I had here in Portland...

Lie to me, convince me that I've been sick forever...
And all of this will make sense when I get better...