\Don't Pity Me/

Its been a few hours since I left that Yahoo chat room that serena_snape spoke of. Normally, I stay away from politics, but clearly, being Bisexual, I can't hide from them forever.
I was laying in bed, zoning out as Inuyasha was playing on TV, thinking about...well...alot of things that have come to be since highschool, more recently, since my job at Adobe.
Alot of questions were running through my mind, but by far the loudest was "Why did I chose to come out when I did?"
I mean granted, I always had this...idea of my own sexuality, but it wasn't until I met Jeff that I aknowlaged it completely. And it was very, very shortly after that I completely came out. Most people take years, sometimes thier whole lives to even come to grips with thier own sexuality.
So why was I the exception?
I figured it out, lying there with the TV as background noise.
I had a total misconception about the reality of coming out, and being bisexual in this world. Playing Furcadia, a game where people, players seem to be much more comfortable and open to such lifestyles, my sexuality was common placed among the many gays and bis there. Coming out there was as simple as stating that I dye my hair. No shocker, really.
And with the friends I had at Adobe, the crowd I chose to hang around, there wasn't much to differintate between my online life and my real life. Even with the onest of Heather B. throwing a fit about my life choices, I managed to take it in stride. At the time, there were no deragatory words thrown around, no screams of "HEATHEN!" and what not.
So when Tanja's friend, TCat, made the comment that gay marrige was a sick thing, it was not only a slap in the face...it was a wake up call to reality.
Which is probably why I took such a generalized comment so personally.
Even coming to this conclution after so much thinking doesn't change the fact that I still feel like curling in to a corner and just sobbing my eyes out. Honestly, I want to take it all back...to return to that damned closet and live out a lie of a life.
Yes it would be a sham, but maybe then I'd be able to deal with it. Atleast that's what this little voice in the back of my mind keeps telling me. I want to jump in a time machine and stop myself from ever saying anything to anyone. And really, that's sad. And I know it is. And I don't care. I'm being selfish, damn it...I'm being really fucking selfish, infact. I hate who I am...I hate that I can't just sit there and tell myself to be streight, because I know its not true and it will never be true.
So where does this leave me on the gay marrige issue? Honestly, I still don't give a rats ass about politics, and the ones who are alot stronger then me, who have the voices, can go speak out with thier oppinion. Whatever way it goes is whatever way it goes.
And until I find a way to deal with this, and/or some one builds a time machine within close vincinity to me so I can steal it...I'm just going to go find that hole and live in it for a few hundred months...

\\And you can still be free...
If time will set you free...//